Only by the grace of God

Today was a really difficult day.  Most days are.  I read other mother's blogs and everything seems so put together, so normal.  Can this really be?  Surely not.  Perhaps they are like I; wanting to put a positive spin on their family life, for appearances sake.  Well, this is a blog about the misadventures of homeschooling a special needs child, so the perfect facade must come down. 

Everyday is pretty much determined by one of two things:  Helana's mood and my mood.  If I awaken tired, then I am more impatient.  If she awakens and has an episode, it automatically causes me to stress;  but if I am well rested, I can deal with it by taking things in stride.  If she has an episode while I am overly tired, it is very difficult to get the day on a good track.

She was in one of her less lovable moods this morning.  It began with her pestering Eastwood the moment her feet hit the floor.  His crib is right next to my bed, so I was still laying in bed.  She has a compulsion to pinch his feet or poke around on him.  She thinks it is funny.  No amount of correcting her changes or deters this behavior.  When she finally agreed to lay down beside me, she put her back up against my head and pushed as hard as she could.  Sometimes she rough-houses in a playful way, not today.  Today was, "I am irritable and want you to know it and feel it".  I verbally correct her and promptly get a "shut up" and a finger pointed in my face.  I cannot tolerate this behavior, of course, so I get up to put her in her bed for a time out until a better attitude can be shown.  She screams at the top of her lungs and fights me the whole time.  (Meanwhile, Eastwood is just laying in his crib sucking his fingers, bless his heart)

I cannot help but wonder what the neighbors must think, as much as she screams.  One would think we were really hurting her, but in reality, we aren't even touching her except to pick her up and place her in time out.  No, I am not against spanking.  For the right reasons and in the proper way.  I have given her swats on the bottom several times for dangerous behavior, such as going to the mailbox unsupervised or stacking up tables and chairs to climb in the top of her closet.  Does it teach her not to do it again?  No.  She'll even remind me that if she does such and such she'll get a spanking, so she knows what is allowed and what isn't.  She just doesn't care.  If she wants to do it, she'll do it and accept the punishment.  She is already prone to violence, so spankings are few and far between, even though I try and make sure she knows they are not meant to be mean to her, but to serve as a reminder not to do such and such again.  Mostly, she is sent to her bed or has something important to her taken away. 

Some days she is so lovable, sweet and compliant.  Most days she will either just stare at me or blatantly refuse to follow through on a command.  Deliberately disobedient.  I am mostly at a loss what to do.  The so-called experts we have seen have no answers.  I am told to just get used to repeating myself.  It is only by the Grace of God that I make it through each day.  I mean that.  Cause, not only is she two full-time jobs, but I also have an infant to care for and fibromyalgia to battle. 

Don't misunderstand me.  I love her more than words can express, but she is a challenge.